Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
huge valentines day plans this year!!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.