Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding