[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
thank god