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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this