Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You Might Also Like
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
This is so me 😂😂
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.