Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
🤣dope
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party