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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
so this horse walks into a bar
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.