Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
this isn’t threatening at all
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
New mindset, who dis?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
They’re the worst 😩
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.