Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
#Caturday
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep