Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My brain is a bad influence on me
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
58.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My daily affirmation
#Caturday
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.