Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
British websites use biscuits.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex