Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?