From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You Might Also Like
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come