“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Battery falling down a hole
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.