Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.