dutch so unserious
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone