Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
You Might Also Like
courtroom exchange of the day
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.