At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again