Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth