Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.