me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.