Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
#math
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Not today.. 😂
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
White Castle for the Win
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins