director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars