me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
awkward
i hope this email finds you fast and furious