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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.