I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
sin harder.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
somebody come look at this
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.