I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.