Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.