Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
i love meeting boys on tinder
Ok but actually
Cheer up.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.