Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Phones down.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best