worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
yeah 😭
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”