When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.