Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*