My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
August 8
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}