DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
one last job
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.