Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone