I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.