I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.