*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers