‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today