My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
This is a true ally.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Animal poetry
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.