Penguins walking in 5x speed
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”