I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I believe the plural is “milves.”
✌️
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone