customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.