me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I’m being attacked 😭
I have many caverns
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present