Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud