Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.