Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“That’s what” – She
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police