It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
🤭😂
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
found my next D&D character name
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days