I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry